The Nice Mommy

Almost two weeks ago I hit "rock-bottom" with my son, Donovan.  He has had a feeding issue for 10 long months.  His feeding issue started out slow, almost non-recognizable for several months.  Just thought he was being this picky-eater.  Then a nurse practitioner asked me if any of his doctors told me that he stopped "thriving"?  The answer to that question was "no".  So I began taking inventory of what he was eating.  It wasn't much.  He then caught a G/I virus before Thanksgiving and he vomited for 7 straight hours - ended up hospitalized and that was the end of his eating pretty much.  I was told by various doctors to just feed him whatever he'd eat - if it was candy, cakes, cookies - so be it!  He just needs the calories.  We will sort out the "poor diet" eventually.  I was so against this way of thinking, but began buying the healthiest of "junk" food just to see if that would help.  It didn't.

By Christmas last year, it was a complete struggle.  He'd eat a few things but not much.  Milk began being his only source of nourishment.  Panic struck me hard.  Nothing is worse than watching a person wither away to nothing from malnourishment.  I hate to admit it, I was a little happy/relieved when he was admitted to the hospital after his endoscopy complication.  I knew he would at least get some IV nourishment.

The road back to eating has been a long and painful road.  Once we figured out that gluten was most likely our culprit and removed it from his diet - he began to eat.  Not necessarily by leaps and bounds, but he was actually eating solid foods.  We spent every Tuesday afternoon for several months at the CCF feeding clinic - trying to "retrain" him to eat.  "Trust" was a big issue - he needed to learn that I would not feed him something that made him feel yucky.  He also needed to know that I wasn't going to feed him "peaches" in any shape or form.  Once this was resolved he began eating "snacky" foods.

After he felt reassured that I wasn't going to feed him food that made him feel sick and peaches - we then had to (still do on many occasions) deal with the "behavior" end of this feeding issue.  This has been the hardest part of the whole process.  The "power struggle" of eating.  I don't wish this on anyone - enemy or not!  This behavioral piece has transformed me from a "normal caring and loving mom" into an absolute "monster of a mom" who has resorted to unmentionable behavior to get her child to eat.  When frustration overcomes me, I can get really mean.  A little over a week ago, I lost it.  I lost it on my child - I snapped - the last thread that was holding "me" together just snapped in two.  I exploded on my son, I got in his face and told him that I was leaving and never coming back.  I had nothing left to give him and I just couldn't do this anymore.  I then walked out of the door, leaving him in the hands of my husband.  Donovan sobbed.  I, at that particular moment, didn't care that he sobbed.  I was so frustrated and angry at him for putting me in this position.

But he ate, and he ate all his dinner.

I came back into the house and he apologized.  I was content to see that he had eaten.  We made up.  That night when Jon was getting him ready for bed, Donovan told his Daddy, I don't like when Mommy yells at me.  I am going to eat to make Mommy happy and for her not to yell at me.  My heart hurt to hear that, but I was relieved that he "finally got it".

That night was our turning point.  He has eaten infinitely better since I exploded on him.  I have not raised my voice to him in over a week.  Meal time is not so stressful anymore.  We've come to a mutually acceptable agreement - he eats, I'm the nice Mommy!

The best news is that my son has now hit 27 pounds.  He has gained close to 2 pounds in the last 3 weeks.

He's not perfect yet with eating, but that's okay - At least we have harmony back in my home and I'm sure Donovan is so glad to have "The Nice Mommy" back.  I'm sure glad I'm back because I certainly hated the person I was becoming.  I hope someday that he realizes that I wasn't the "mean mommy" because I wanted to be, I was scared, worried and just wanted him to be healthy.  I wasn't getting my jollies out of yelling and seemingly torturing him to eat.  I was doing this for the right reasons because I Love Him With ALL OF MY HEART!