All my life I've been a pretty straight laced person. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I live knowing what "right and wrong" is and do my best to follow the rules. I had a period of life where I tested the limits to a degree but never anything that was earth shattering or truly "bad". Normal sowing of the wild oats - at least sowing them within certain limits.
I've always believed in God - actually the 3 persons of God, God the Father, God the Sun and God the Holy Spirit. I mostly believe because I was born into a Catholic family with parents and siblings that practice their religion - and also because I truly believe there is a higher power guiding us to some degree. Or better stated, a higher power watching over us. I've had days where I didn't believe in God because I wondered where He was when I felt I truly needed Him. Then I sit back and realize that with Billions/Zillions/Infinite amounts of people and animals He has to watch over, why do I think today He would focus on my needs? I'm sure God can multi-task and is the extreme king of multitasking, but seriously when you have all these creatures bidding for your time and your ear, He can make a mistake or have to pick and choose those who need Him the most - right? So I've come to the conclusion that God sort of placed us here, wound us up and lets us go until we have completely become unwounded, or lost the necessary power to continue forward. Then every once in a while, He peeks in on us to make sure we're doing okay. I'm not so certain He has complete control over what happens to us - what is, is! I think that's where the whole "free will" thing comes into play. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe God/Jesus/Holy Spirit abandons us - I just sometimes think He's not at the same place I am. It is at that point when I feel I have to make choices and hope I make them well.
I have a very strong understanding about treating people with respect. I believe that life begins at conception, mostly because I saw my daughter as a 3 day, 8 cell human being and today she's a beautiful, very vibrant, intelligent, funny 5 year old. Someone would have to move a mountain for me to think differently on this one.
As stated in an earlier post - my husband and I have to make a decision about a lone embryo. One that was frozen 6 years ago without our knowledge. An embryo that has been in storage for 6 years that we had no idea about. So over the last month or so since we found this out, I've been struggling internally as to what to do with this embryo. I know it is a person and this is what has made this decision so hard. We are hoping we can donate this embryo to a couple, I've made contact with a non-profit organization that believes in the sanctity of life and the embryo. I'm hoping that they will be able to help facilitate this for us to help relieve the "stress" that has been placed on my shoulders. The problem is that our embryo was a slow grower and also not a very well graded embryo. Chances of it surviving the thaw are subpar. Also, we still have to consider the fact that my son has Noonan Syndrome and it's not necessarily an ideal "genetic disorder" that someone wants to inherit. Right now, we don't even know what the chances are that this embryo would have Noonans - it's a very "unknown". It is very unknown if someone would even want to adopt our embryo, given all this information.
My husband and I finally decided that if "adoption" was out of the question that we would try and give a complete life to the embryo - as long as this was done in a timely fashion given I'm getting older every day. I found out last night that my husband and I differ in our thoughts after a bit of a "heated" discussion with some family members about this situation.
I've done some of the research and I know that it is possible to test the embryo before it is transferred, however, by doing so it can render the embryo "damaged" and I'm not certain I want to do that. "Damaged" can mean a whole host of different things from not being able to "survive" transfer or birth defects to a viable baby. Today I'm not comfortable taking that risk. So I've mulled this over in my head thousands of times and hundred's of hours and I feel today I'm okay with doing an amnio at the required time should the embryo take to determine if the embryo would have severe birth defects. Defects that would give the child a lifetime of misery and pain and then we'd make a decision to possibly terminate should the situation be so very "bleak" for the baby. I can tell you that I agonized and have prayed daily over this, but I've finally come to peace with this as awful as it sounds. Last evening, I was pretty much accosted over sharing my thoughts on this - and my husband remained silent. I come to find out he agreed with those accosting me.
Last night after being peppered with some questions, a couple of relatives said to me - "If you need to transfer the embryo than have them do it in the most simple of ways and if it takes it takes. If it doesn't it doesn't. This way you can satisfy your 'moral' need to attempt to give the embryo a life." In other words or reading between the lines, do the least you have to do and maybe the embryo won't survive and that solves all your problems. They didn't have to say it blatantly, I could hear it in their voices and see it on their faces. To me, that was no different then just destroying the embryo or aborting the baby without just cause. And based on their beliefs it is definitely no different then terminating a pregnancy after all testing confirm the baby would have extreme and major medical issues. I'm not saying terminate because the child has down's syndrome or noonan's syndrome - I'm saying terminating a baby who would spend its whole life in a wheel chair stuck to a breathing tube and feeding tube. I'm so confused? Why is it okay to leave a life hanging, or to destroy a frozen embryo or do as little as possible to allow an embryo to grow successfully in the womb - and it is wrong for me to consider terminating a pregnancy where a baby would suffer greatly its whole life? At least in my case, I believe I am attempting to give the embryo a bona fide shot at life, but being humane if the child would spend its life suffering deeply.
In a lot of ways I was hurt by the judgement that was "silently" happening last evening. I was hurt because for the last three years I've spent my life dedicated to my son. A child that I have spent many an hour advocating for his medical care and developmental needs. I've spent two years with pretty much sleepless nights because I had a child that did not feel well and woke up several times a night. I'm a good Mom. I'm not perfect but I am a good Mom. I love my kids without boundaries, they are my life! The people sitting in that room that were judging me do not live every day of their life wondering what medical issue is going to surface next with their child. They don't worry about when their child will need heart surgery. They do not have to worry about every bump or fall their child takes or what will happen with the next invasive medical procedure because any one of these falls or procedures could cause a huge bleeding/bruising problem. Especially if an injury is to the head. They don't have to go to the grocery store with a smart phone in hand trying to pick out food that their child can eat that doesn't contain gluten. They don't have to take their child to a multitude of doctor appointments. They didn't have to take their child to a feeding clinic and force feed their child food to get him to eat. They don't have to worry about whether or not their child will meet the "average" male adult height and all the teasing their child will get for being so small and so fragile. They don't walk in my shoes as a parent and they don't walk in my son's shoes. I look at my life and I have it easy in comparison to so many other parents with children with special needs - but "easy" is relative. My child's needs are medical in nature. Fortunately, it's becoming apparent that developmentally my son is doing fantastic. I don't complain about having my son and I wouldn't trade my situation or him for anything else. I've accepted this part of being a Mom to my son and I lovingly and without hesitation take on his challenges. I am happy when my son feels good. I'm happy when I find answers to nagging medical questions. I am happy I can be his Mom and his advocate!
I learned not too long ago, to stop judging people. I think my son opened my eyes. I've learned to accept that I don't know the whole story or I don't know what is going on in other people's lives. I've met a few Moms who deal with a lot more issues than I deal with regarding my son. Many of them have had to make some really tough decisions and by many accounts the choices are not always the most popular ones. When you have a child with "special needs" you learn to view things differently. What use to seem to be black and white is really more a shade of "gray" - and I do believe sometimes there are exceptions to the rules.
Last night I was told that being okay with aborting a pregnancy when the baby would be extremely handicapped medically and developmentally was a contradiction to me not wanting to destroy an embryo without knowing its future. Yet those judging me, think it's okay to leave an embryo frozen forever, or it's okay to attempt to transfer it without going through proper and optimal transfer procedures is not killing a person. In all these scenarios, I believe a life is being terminated or has the potential to be terminated.
So this brings me back to God. Many people tell me to trust in God/Jesus/Holy Spirit and I'll be guided to the right decision. I have done this. I've prayed over this situation more than anyone will ever know. I'm waiting for the proper signs from above. I am hoping things fall into place and no crazy decisions have to be made. Instead of people judging me for my thoughts, why can't they pray that the right things happen for this situation. My heart aches over this decision - I'll be sick over having to terminate a pregnancy if it ever came to that - it's not what I want to do. It's actually the furthest from what I want to do. I am, however, a realist. I am 44 years old. Should I become pregnant in the next 6 months I'll be 45-46 years old when the baby would be born. If my child had severe medical and developmental needs - who's going to take care of the child when I'm gone? It is not a guarantee that I'll be around tomorrow let alone 20-30-40 years from now.
I had two people silently come to my defense yesterday. One person, I was totally shocked at - but I realize that person has observed many of my not so good days with my son and realized that having two kids with special needs would be an overwhelming and daunting task for one thing. The other was a new Mom. They both have no idea how grateful I was for their silent understanding. They did not judge - they just understood the position I am in and empathized.
When it comes down to it, my husband is the only person I need to gain approval from in this situation. It is as much his "quandary" as is mine. We will need to come to a mutually decided agreement, and we will. It might be an emotional and hard fought decision, but in the end we will do the right thing for us. All we ask is that the rest of you just pray that things fall into place the way they are supposed to. God will guide me and my husband I'm sure.
My compass has been re-calibrated and will continue to as my life goes on!
The pastor at our church talked of a difficult decision he and his wife had to make. They prayed and discussed, discussed and prayed, and waited but no obvious sign was given. In the end the prayer became "let this not be a mistake" and made the decision they thought/felt/believed was best. It's become a way of thinking for me as well. When I don't have a gut-felt sense of what God wants me to do, I turn to that prayer, "help me not make a mistake" and do the best I can. You'll do the best you can.
ReplyDeleteOne key question, and I ask because it was what gave me the clarity we needed: do you WANT a third child? ignoring all issues of medical issues, sleep deprivation, what other people think and so on, do you and does hubby REALLY want a third child? Not, "can you handle it?" but "do you want it?" Be honest with yourself and each other.
Bringing a third child in that you don't both really, truly want with all your heart, opens you, your marriage and that child to a whole world of hurt and complications that were never intended.
I don't envy you this decision. Fingers will be crossed and prayers lifted!