Life's Unexpected Surprises

I feel like I'm a person that manages to be the recipient of many unexpected life surprises.  I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels this way.  We all run through good times and bad times.  If we didn't  it wouldn't truly be "life".  I think if we all look back at our lives we can't say with 100% certainty that it was oh so wonderful.  On the flip side, we can't look back and say it was oh so horrible either.  In other words, the good and bad balance out, for the most part.

Sometimes the "not so good things" are a result of decisions we make in life.  And as hard as we want to be able to blame the misfortune on someone or something else, we have to look back at our actions/decisions and more often than not the misfortune is of our own doing.

Six years ago this coming August my husband and I made a conscious decision to have a child.  Given my age, failed pregnancy and almost 2 years of no child in sight - we decided to ask for some help from modern science.  It wasn't a decision my husband or I took lightly.  When we finally decided to try in-vitro fertilization, I had wrestled with the pros and cons and the "ethical details".  I prayed a lot.  I prayed that I would make the right decision.  The Catholic Church is morally opposed to IVF as a means of conception. It was this stance that really gnawed at me for weeks, but I really wanted a child and so did my husband.

We were very responsible with our decision-making.  We knew 6 years ago that if we had an abundance of embryos we'd do everything in our power to give them all a chance at life.  Even if that meant we would donate them to another couple who was in desperate need of the opportunity, if the abundance was too much for us to financially handle.  We both knew that destroying an embryo was out of the question and that donating them to science was a possibility but not really an option we wanted to consider.

I am a person who believes that life begins at conception.  For 12 years of my life, "abortion is wrong" was drilled into my head.  I went to Catholic elementary and high school.  As I matured into an adult, I wavered a little on my opinion that sometimes having a "choice" is good to have.  Then, I went through IVF and I got to see 3 embryos, 3 days old and 8 cells big.  That day as I lay waiting for these embryos to be given to me, was the day I truly realized that life begins at conception.  I have a daughter who will be turning 5 tomorrow because of the IVF process.  I don't regret having done it because I couldn't ask for a sweeter, kinder, more loving, more beautiful, more intelligent person.  My daughter was the answer to so many prayers and I love her to the moon and back infinitely!

My son was a surprise.  A big surprise but a very much wanted and loved surprise.  I wouldn't trade him for the world.  I'd like him to be healthier and I'd like to know that he feels good every day but I'm not so sure that is the case.  He's sweet, funny, loving and all I could every ask for in a son.

A couple of weeks ago, we received a bill in the mail from a medical institution.  It was the facility that was responsible for the IVF and delivery of my daughter 5 years ago.  So the bill was a huge surprise.  My husband did some research made some phone calls and we come to find out that we have an embryo in frozen storage.  An embryo that we never knew about for the last 6 years.  My first reaction was that I just sobbed and sobbed.  I think I cried for 6 straight hours.  How could this be?  We were told by our doctor that there were no embryos left for frozen storage after three embryos were given to me that early September day in 2005.  I remember him saying that because he was disappointed that this was going to be our one and only shot at having a child.  He mentioned that the next time (if we changed our mind) that he would probably do things a little differently.

I knew that my IVF was going to work because I had prayed and prayed to God, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.  Basically any of the glorious higher powers than me that would actually listen.  So when I found out that I only had 3 embryos to transfer, I was relieved.  I was relieved because it took the whole decision about abundant embryos out of the equation.  I sort of gave a quiet sigh of relief.  To me, my prayers were answered.  In my heart, I knew I was going to have at least a baby and had a 10% chance at twins and less than that for triplets.  I didn't have to worry about frozen embryos.  Life was good.

This lonely embryo means the world to me.  I sit and wonder is it a boy or a girl?  Would it be 100% healthy?  Could he or she be the next leader of the free world?  Could he or she be the scientist or doctor that finds a cure for cancer?  So many things like that have run through my head over the last couple of weeks.  Then on the flip side I wonder, does this embryo have Noonans Syndrome?  Will he or she have a heart condition and bleeding disorder and genetic disorder like their brother?

My first gut instinct was of anger.  How could someone forget to inform us that we had an embryo in storage?  Four years ago before I found out I was pregnant with my son, I would have given the world to have that embryo to transfer and attempt to give it a chance at life.  In fact, when I miscarried 9 months before I found out I was pregnant with my son - I wanted that embryo.  I was depressed because I felt the only way for me to have a second child was to do the IVF again, since I had miscarried twice naturally conceived babies.  IVF was not an option because I stopped working to be a stay-at-home mom and our finances didn't allow for such an option.  Had we known back then that we had this little embryo, we would have jumped at the chance of doing a frozen embryo transfer.

My son was born when I was 42 years old.  I had a long talk with my OB/GYN shortly before delivery and we both agreed it would be wise to shut down my factory since I needed to have a repeat c-section.  The fact that I was able to conceive twice in a short period of time worried the doctor and me.  I was content with having only two kids.  When my son was 5 months old and we found out he had a genetic disorder and heart conditions and recently we found out we get to add a platelet function issue to his list of medical problems.  Suffice it to say, we have our hands full in so many ways with him.  So I was happy to be done with my family and didn't regret a single second closing down the baby making factory.

Then...this news of having a frozen embryo in storage comes to be.  After a couple of days of getting over the shock, I came to peace with donating this embryo to a couple who might not otherwise be able to have a child.  It was a hard decision for me to come to terms with but I knew it was the best solution.  Our family dynamics are not perfect, but its the best it can be right now.  My husband and I are happily married and we love our children to pieces and they love us.  Financially, we're doing okay - if you take out the medical bills.  Eventually I will need to go back to work - so we manage and we are lucky that I have been able to take the time to raise our kids without needing to send them to daycare or have a nanny or sitter watching them.  We can take vacations and enjoy life within reason.  So I came to peace and was ready to offer this embryo to someone.

My husband finally gets some more information about our embryo and we come to find out that its most likely the 4th embryo (we still aren't certain but our gut is telling us it is) that stopped growing on day three and was rendered not viable by the embryologist 6 years ago.  The person my husband spoke to thinks that it was just a slow grower and continued to grow and on day 6 they froze the embryo.  Apparently, this embryo isn't the best of quality (not sure what that means exactly).  So when my husband mentioned that we are considering donating the embryo to a couple they said it wouldn't be eligible because of its quality and then add in the fact that my son has Noonans totally renders the embryo ineligible for donation.  My heart sank to my feet.  How could this be?  Now what?

Today I'm sick to my stomach over this.  I have been for the last week or so - since we found out we can't donate this embryo.  I can't destroy it, I'm struggling with donating it to science for stem cell research - I'm all in favor of stem cell research when embryos that would ordinarily be discarded can do some good.  But this is my embryo.  This is my little person and I'm not sure I can do this.  Not to mention that its not something my Catholic Religion would agree to.

So the last option is to attempt to transfer this embryo and see what happens.  I'm 44 1/2 years old, I have a husband who I know is not on board with this, and two kids to think about.  I know that both my kids would think its cool to have a baby around.  If the embryo made it to delivery and was generally healthy than I guess it would be all worth it.  However, the monkey on my back worries about this embryo and any serious issues it could possibly have.  If it wasn't "perfect" than it changes our family dynamics even further.  I struggle with this possibility and the fairness to the rest of my family.

This was an unexpected surprise - one that I was not prepared for and one that I wish I didn't have to think about and agonize over.  I want to do the right thing.  There are so many factors involved and its not a cut and dry decision like it would have been 4 years earlier.  I'm frustrated to say the least, my husband and I did everything in our power to do the right thing 6 years ago and I know that by embarking upon IVF we opened ourselves to such an "issue".  However, I lost all confidence and respect in an institution who can't keep their records organized and communicate properly and in a timely manner that an extra embryo has been in storage for 6 years.  How does that happen?

Only time will tell, but unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time as the biological clock ticks every second.

Sigh