Religion

I've been thinking about religion a lot lately, not exactly sure why.  Maybe it has to do with all the unsettledness of the world.  How most wars or uprisings are the result of "religious" indifferences and the lack of respect people have towards letting people believe in "God" or a "Higher Power" the way they wish to or not to.  Maybe its because I see so many people hurt by "religious" indifferences.  When I was younger, "religion" was synonymous with "peace".  Today its more like religion = war!

I was baptized Roman Catholic, went to Catholic schools from first grade through high school and I even spent a year of college at a Catholic University.  I received the sacraments of reconciliation, first communion, confirmation and marriage all in a Catholic Church.  When in high school, I was even involved with a youth group retreat group.  So I've always been a pretty active "religious" person in my own way.

When I was in my early 20s my Dad had a strange mass in the groin area of one of his leg.  It was causing some swelling and numbness and I feared that my Dad was going to be diagnosed with Lymphoma.  I made a pact with God that if He could make the diagnosis something menial and not life threatening that I would go to Church every day for a month.  So the doctor goes in and does a biopsy and it turns out to still be a mystery to this day some 20 something years later - but so far, not life threatening.  I kept up my end of the bargain, I woke up an hour early every morning and went to Mass at the Cathedral down the street from where I worked.  After the third week of getting up early, my Mom asked me why I was leaving for work so early (I know shame shame I lived at home after college for a while) and I finally confessed that I had made this pact with God.  She was none to pleased with me, but I was truly that desperate for Divine Intervention.

When I lost my first baby at 12 weeks gestation and it appeared we may have some unexplained infertility issues - I did a lot of praying.  Especially when we decided to attempt In-Vitro Fertilization.  In case you didn't know, the Catholic Church frowns upon this method of conception, so I struggled deeply over this decision.  So the night before the dreaded "egg retrieval" I prayed to God, Mary and Joseph and said - please give me only what I need to have a successful pregnancy.  Because I didn't want to even think about what I would do with an abundance of embryos.  When I came out of anesthesia and the nurse had written up on the board 15 eggs, I started to cry.  In a normal female who is desperately wanting to have a baby that number would be fantastic, to me, it scared me.  All I could think of was .... "what am I going to do with 15 embryos?, I can't have 15 children".  So I left the hospital that afternoon with mixed emotions and kept praying, please only give me what I need to have a successful pregnancy.  That's all I ask for, I am not greedy!  So when we got the call the next day and they told us 4 eggs were successfully fertilized, I felt better.  Unfortunately, by the time we got to the "transfer back to me" stage, only 3 embryos made it.  However, I didn't know what I was going to do with the 4th embryo since the doctor would only return 3 to me.  I would have insisted on returning #4 because I could not dispose of a living being, and I would have dealt with the hand that was given me.  So for 3 weeks, I was in my head, pregnant with 3 babies until we found out via ultrasound that I only had one little bean growing.  So I take from this story that God, Mary and Joseph all or at least one of them listened to my prayers and answered it accordingly.  I spent the rest of this pregnancy praying the Rosary every day.  I was also given a special "Miraculous Medal" from a neighbor who said that this particular "medal" was blessed by Mother Theresa and that all the women that wore this medal during their first trimester went on to have healthy successful pregnancies.  I dreaded the day I had to give up the medal because it worked for me and was afraid that if I let it go I'd lose the baby!

So I've had a fair amount of good luck with Prayer and my devotion to my Faith.

Then I hit a rut.  I prayed daily during my pregnancy with my son and I wasn't so lucky with his outcome.  He's got Noonan Syndrome and a congenital heart defect.  Something he'll have the rest of his life.  Not to mention he's going to be short for a male and who knows if he'll ever have a child of his own.  I worry too, that no woman will want to marry a man who has a known genetic disorder that can be passed down to his offsprings 50% of the time.  I've felt that God had failed me.  However, I still go to Church with the hopes that I am wrong - but I'm not the same "religious" person I use to be.  My heart isn't in it and I do a lot of questioning of my Faith, God, Jesus, etc.  Which isn't exactly the best time for me to have this "religious rut" when I have two kids that need to have some sort of religious foundation in their lives.

I had an Aunt that was the inspiration of Faith.  She was a very prayerful person and by all accounts a very good person.  She prayed daily and went to Mass daily or at least almost daily.  God/Jesus was a huge focus in her life.  However, when it was her time to go, it wasn't a pleasant death.  She wasn't given the gift of a swift tap on the shoulder while she was sleeping, instead she spent a good year feeling less than pleasant.  She died with as much dignity as one could given her illness, but she shouldn't have had to die so painfully.  She was a woman who could entertain you with stories and pretty much talk your ear off, yet she lost her ability to speak during her last couple of days.  Just made me sad to think such a good soul had to suffer so much.   Then I start to question the whole notion of God, prayer and Faith even more.

Then I got into some discussions with people who have little or no belief in God.  When they ask me why I believe and I just can only say its a leap of "Faith".  I almost sound ignorant and silly.  So then I start to think and ponder deeper about this whole God thing.  So I've come to the conclusion that I do believe that there is a higher form of life that is "God".  How else did the ball get rolling on the creation of life.  Something had to start it, even if evolution is true.  But I'm starting to wonder about the whole Jesus thing.  Oh dear, lightening bolt don't strike me now".  Here is why ... I often wonder why a "being" would agree to suffer the death that Jesus apparently suffered for arbitrary people.  And, how did His death really "save us"?  Not exactly sure what it accomplished.  A non-believer thinks "okay what a lunatic, some dude lets a bunch of people crucify him for no good reason?"  When you look at it from that point of view it makes you think.  Wow ... did I just buy myself into a "cult" or did this really happen.  I struggle with this.  I keep telling myself its all about FAITH.  But there are days, when faith doesn't cut it.  Then I feel guilty that I even have such thoughts of questioning my Faith.

I know so many people who if they read this post will be totally surprised that I question things.  Some will probably think bad of me.  Others might do everything they can to want to "save my sorry little soul".  Some might actually go, wow, I never really gave it much thought.  I will continue to practice my Faith as best I can to be a good example for my children, but I can't always say that my heart is 100% into it.  I pray for the day were it all just falls into place again.  **sigh**