I had a Small Melt Down

The other night I was laying in bed.  I was so tired yet wide awake.  I started thinking about my Zoey dog and how we hadn't seen any bunny tracks in the yard so far this winter and wishing I could turn back the clock (sort of) and remove the bunnies from my yard and maybe just maybe she'd still be with us today.

Everyday when I drive the kids to school I see a lady walking her black lab.  Just like Zoey, the dog was a good walker and was obviously tickled to have its owner spend the quality walking time together.  Something I use to do with Zoey pretty much everyday.  I miss that time with my dog.  As I was thinking about it, I started tear-up and then a sob escaped.  I guess I still really really miss her.

We are redoing our study, which was Zoey's favorite room and where we ended up placing her bed because she loved the spot where she could peek out the front window and watch the world go by.  She liked it mostly because at one point I spent a lot of time in the study during the kid's nap time or very early in the morning while I was working.  I had the opportunity to work from home with a company doing research work for them.  So it was Zoey and my special place.  I was actually tickled when I found these "swanky" curtains to finish off the room and the pattern on the curtains were named "Zoey".  It just seemed so right to have these curtains.  Much like a sweet memorial to her.

As I was cleaning out the paperwork in the study, I found a card I picked up at my friend's funeral that had the information about my friend who had died in 2000 and a prayer on it.  As I was looking at the card, I noticed that she died on January 26th, this day of the month was the same day of the month as when my Zoey dog was born.  It seems like every where I turn, there is something that reminds of Zoey.

We are awaiting a new puppy. This time we are looking to purchase a puppy from a breeder in Michigan who carefully breeds Vizslas.  After careful consideration, we believe this type of dog would work perfectly for us and has a greater chance of being hypoallergenic (as it appears that me and some pet/animal dander/fur don't get along).  This puppy will likely be a member of our family in late June early July.

As exciting as a new puppy is, my heart aches and I feel like a trader to Zoey.  I know accepting a new dog into my home would be much easier had God taken Zoey rather than us euthanizing her.  We made the decision and even though it was probably the right and best decision, I'm still feeling some guilt about it.  Mostly because a vet had mentioned that we could try surgery - so there may have been an option for her to stick around.  Just no guarantees could be made and the rehab would have been hard on her but also on me.  It would have been expensive and I think I would have lost my mind had I had to deal with her surgery and rehab at the same time my son landed in the hospital for 19 days.  I toss this around in my head a lot but I still feel so uneasy and disloyal to Zoey, this idea of getting a puppy this year.  I wish I could ask her if it would be okay, I'd like to think she would like us to move on.  The good thing though is I have 5-6 months before our new family member arrives to come to grips and accept him or her with open arms.