Growing-Pains

My Norah started her first week of kindergarden this past Wednesday.  She had been counting down the days for months, then weeks and then days since February.  She grew-up so quickly between the months of May and August.  She wanted to do things more independently.

So Wednesday came around and she loved her first day.  Then Thursday came around and she loved it too and was making some new friends.  Friday we had a play date with a new friend after school.  She didn't want Mommy to walk her into school.  She wanted to be grown-up and walk in all by herself.  So Thursday and Friday I let her be the big girl she wanted to be.  She ran up the walkway to the doors of the school waving excitedly and yelling "Bye Mom, I love you, Bye".   I had mixed emotions.  I'm so glad she's so confident and independent - but sad that I felt she didn't need me anymore.  And when I mean "need me," I mean need me to help her test the waters by easing into it before "cannonballing" into the water.  She managed to pop up and swim safely to the side so far - so I guess everything was fine with this walking into school by herself.

Well ... last night an hour after putting her to bed and tucking her in and snuggling for a few minutes, she stealth like makes her way downstairs and just stands in the foyer hallway.  I so happened to get up to get a quick snack in the kitchen and as I was walking back to the family room she scared the "crap" out of me.  It was like looking at the little girl in poltergeist.  I screamed in horror and then yelled her name.  The poor thing was scared that maybe I was mad at her because she left her room.  For many months a year or so ago, she'd wake me up in the middle of the night and we finally had to tell her "no more" or she'd start getting into trouble.  She was afraid I was going to be mad at her.  She was sobbing uncontrollably.  I hugged her and brought her over to the couch and she was apologizing for not being in her bed.  Which made me feel horrible.  She told me that she had a bad dream.  I knew she couldn't have had a bad dream that quickly, so I knew something else was eating her up inside.  I made her describe the "dream" and it was, for lack of better word, "stupid" - and I told her that I didn't think she had a bad dream but that something was bothering her and she needed to let me know what it was.  She said she was afraid we'd be mad at her.  I told her, why? - that's so silly.  So I after being patient with her, she finally shared with me that she's worried about being at school all day long next week.  She's worried that she'll miss me too much and that I'll be sad because she's gone all day.  So very sweet but it broke my heart.  I told her, that I will miss her very much, but it's okay that I will miss her.  She should be happy because she knows that I love her very much.  I told her I'll be okay because I have the end of the school day to look forward to.  I'll be so excited to get that big hug and hear all about her day.  Most importantly though, she'll have so much fun learning new things, doing new things and meeting new friends.  I told her that I bet she'd probably wouldn't have much time to even think of me much because she'll be so busy doing and learning.  But if she did miss me, that it was okay too.  And when she did miss me to remember the "kiss" I gave her on her hand.  That made her smile.

I didn't let her go back to bed until all the sobs were gone.  I tucked her in and snuggled with her and we talked a little bit more.  I've come to realize that Norah thought she was expected to be "so grown-up," even though I kept telling her "not to grow-up so fast".  She places such high expectations on herself, which worries me.  Its good to have goals, but to put so much pressure on yourself at the age of 5 is crazy.  She is so much like me.  I remember having such "failure" anxiety as a young child that carried me well into my adulthood.  At least I know what she's experiencing so I can help her along.

This marked the turning point in our relationship, it was our first real serious conversation.  I hope last night is the first of many good talks and that Norah realizes she can tell me anything she needs to tell me.

Growing-up does have its "pains".  I guess that's why they call it "growing-pains".