I'm a pretty deep individual. I'm methodical and find that I have to try to fix things.
This type of personality trait turned out to be detrimental to my health. It forced me to have to think about how I needed to process things in life in a less anxious and stressful manner. It has required me to take the lowest dosage of anti-anxiety medication. I can tell you without this medicine I think my husband would have had me locked up in a padded white room at the nearest mental institution. Actually, in all honesty I would have actually enjoyed that quiet time back then (and as long as they weren't doing electric shock on me (LOL)).
I've realized that I can't always fix things that are broken. However, I can do as much as possible to make things run smoother, or make someone feel better, more loved, more appreciated. It might not fix things or make bad things go away, but they are nice things to do - just because!
Over 20 years ago I lost my first friend to death. She was 25 years old and suffered since birth from a congenital heart defect. One that resulted in many surgeries to replace a poorly working heart valve, and to insert a pacemaker to name a few. Despite all her medical complications she lived life to the fullest. She inspired me to go back to school and get my Masters of Engineering Management with a concentration in Biomedical Engineering. I wanted to learn how to maybe fix the broken things in people. I didn't have the confidence to go to medical school, so this was the next best thing for me.
She also taught me to learn not to sweat the small stuff in life and to be grateful for my health, family, friends and successes. She taught me to be silly! When I think of her I always smile.
I lost my second special friend 11+ years ago. She was what I called my work mom. I met her at my first job out of college. She was the kindest most caring and thoughtful person. I learned a lot about compassion and friendship through her. She fought a tough battle against breast cancer for 5 years and lost. She had an overwhelming desire to want to make it to the year 2000. She tried every treatment known to medical science to attempt to beat the odds. She pioneered as a patient and allowed doctors to learn so much about the disease. She allowed science/medicine to test theories and treatments, all the while her body was torn down by chemo and various other treatments that she lost the battle not just because cancer riddled her body but because the chemo sucked any bit of strength and immunity to illness she had. It weakened her heart causing her to have congestive heart failure - which is what she ultimately died from. I saw her a couple of days before she died and it broke my heart to see this very vibrant person melt into a very feeble individual. Even on that day she tried so hard to be the good "host" as I was visiting her at her house.
I watched a very special Aunt of mine go from the gregarious loving woman to a person who couldn't speak 12 hours before she passed away. Another person who was a victim of cancer.
Less than a month ago, I found out my very special cousin and Godmom was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. As much of the tumor as possible was removed but given the type and how large the tumor was, it had already done some damage and grown like a nasty tree root in her head. So the next step is to incur high powered radiation and chemo to try and eradicate what is left. Statistics are not promising and after three weeks of treatment she's feeling the ill effects. In one weeks time she went from being vibrant and happy to feeling ill and unhappy.
I want to fix this so badly for her. I want to wave a magic wand and make it go away. I want her to be happy again. I can't fix it! This is the first time I've realized that I can't fix something. I've accepted that but continue to pray for a miracle because they do happen.
As bystanders, we don't know the true pain and suffering a person goes through both physically and mentally when they are told they have cancer and have to endure surgery, and some tough drug and radiation treatments. To me, the treatment end of the diagnosis of cancer would be much harder to handle than actually being told I have cancer.
No one prepares a person for such news. There is no written rule on how a person should proceed when faced with the diagnosis. I always thought that I would fight a good fight if I was ever diagnosed with cancer. That I would try every treatment available to give me that extra time. I wanted my friends and family to think the same way if they were diagnosed with cancer. To fight a good fight. I use to get frustrated and disappointed when my Mom would say that she would never do any sort of treatment if she had cancer. Her probability of having cancer is high given all her sibling have died from one form or another. Having that knowledge made things even that more frustrating for me. Then I watched special people suffer from the ill effects of cancer treatments and how the treatments gave them some extra time, but the quality of life - well there was no quality of life.
When a person is faced with the odds of maybe an added 12 months from doing cancer treatments over having just a few more months but probably a better quality of life up until right before the end, you question whether its worth it. But then, you don't want to disappoint the people you will eventually leave behind by leaving prematurely. But then again, when leaving this world its always premature, isn't it! To me this decision to fight a good fight against the illness plaguing your body or to forgo and live the best life you can with truncated time you have left would be agonizing. It's something we truly don't think about until we are faced head-on with making such a decision. But maybe it is something we should all talk about now when we are presumably healthy so that we don't have to struggle later on with making tough decisions and worrying about whether we are doing the right thing and pleasing others. This way everyone knows the "ground rules" and the person faced with the decision can enjoy what time they have left in life rather than spending the time worrying about who's feelings they are hurting.
One thing I think we can all agree on though is cancer sucks!
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