I woke up Friday morning like everyone else in total shock that a gunman unloaded his weapons in a movie theater killing 12 people and injuring so many more. And immediately we all sort of have what we feel is the image of the person who could do such a horrible act on innocent people. I know I did.
When the information started to unfold and this murderous person was identified, I can tell you he didn't look what I thought he would, nor did I ever imagine he would be so intelligent. I always thought, "dumb" people did stupid things - not people who were PhD students studying neuroscience.
Then on Friday evening I went to a dinner party with a mix of people, some law students in their last year of studying, parents with kids starting college in the Fall and professionals who have all gone through very degrees of education. We got to talking about how difficult the playing field is for students entering college this year. How the competition is so tough for the very "good" schools. That even though you are a 4.0+ student, graduating with honors, have a list of extra-curricular activities a mile long behind your name, yet many have been turned down from their #1 school of choice. One person mentioned that the only person from their very good school to make it to Stanford actually did so because she had started her own "non-profit". Who in high school starts their own non-profit???? Her background "other than this non-profit" was no different from this person's child who also applied there and she got in and this person's child didn't.
One of the more recent graduated law students mentioned that while studying her undergrad she had to do a "bachelor" thesis! I was like, "What, a thesis in undergrad?" - I never heard of that. She wrote a 92 page report (it even had to have chapters) in order to graduate. She did quite well and won honors for her writing.
So this stresses me out a bit, I'm looking to go back to work very soon. I've actually sent my resume out and have had interviews with a company. And I hear all of this and am dumbfounded. How at my age and 20 years of work experience can I actually feel like an underachiever? But I do! I feel like the competition is stiffer not because the economy sucks right now, but because I'm not dragging this list of accomplishments a mile long behind my name. It was hard enough as an undergrad to work 30 hours a week and take 18 credit hours and get decent grades. Not honor worthy, but very close to it. I didn't have time to start my own non-profit because I had to work my way through college to get my Bachelors degree. I worked my way through my Master's too. I worked 40+ hours a week and took night classes for close to 3 years. I'm happy to say I've never had to take a loan out for my education after my first year of college.
So then I sort of understood why some chip in a person's head could just switch to overload like the gunman in Aurora, CO. With all the pressures to succeed and be better than your peers can really mess a person up. Especially if you feel like you are beginning to fail. Or if you self-esteem isn't very good to begin with. When did this heavy push on kids to be more than they can be at any particular age begin? I went to a good grade school, high school and college. I worked hard. Not because I felt anyone was pushing me to do so, I worked hard because I wanted to. I never felt any pressure from anyone. And I thought what I had accomplished so far in life to be "outstanding". Maybe I just set my bar a little too low.
I don't push my kids to do more than I think they need to know at the age they are at. I might push my son a little bit, only to make sure that he doesn't have any delays. He has a genetic disorder that could result in delays but so far so good. I want my kids to be kids and enjoy being kids. We incorporate learning in daily activities. I don't force a book in front of my kids. We practice counting and letters in ways that the kids have no idea we are practicing them. Reading, my daughter gets a kick out of reading her little brother a book. She's practicing her reading and she doesn't even know it.
I'm afraid that my kids will eventually be under-achievers because I don't push them in so many millions of activities. I let my kids do the activities that they want to do. I don't force them to do things they don't. I'm not molding my kids, I want them to mold themselves. All my expectations for them is that they be the best they can be. If that's an A+ student, fabulous, B+, fabulous, C+ fabulous …. etc. As long as their effort meets and/or exceeds my expectations. I wasn't perfect at everything I attempted to do in life. I give myself the "pat on the back" for at least trying things! That's what I will expect my kids to do. At least try!
So I look at this gunman and I wonder did he feel all sorts of pressure to be more than he could be? Did this set that chip to overload? Obviously a mentally well person wouldn't have done what he did. I think we can all agree that he is mentally ill - regardless of the fact that what he did was a very well planned out and executed massacre.
I feel for his parents. I know as a parent - I would be digging deep inside myself to figure out what I could have done differently in raising my child had he been my son. Should we be looking at how we raise our children - maybe we need to reign in our high pressure parenting a little bit and let kids be kids to begin with. We don't know yet what pushed this man to do what he did - and we may never know.
My thoughts and prayers go out to all who were personally affected by this horrible incident.
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