I am so lucky. I am so lucky that I can celebrate Mom's Day not only as a participate but as as a daughter to one wonderful Mom.
My Mom is my Best Female Friend (aka BFF) and has been my whole entire life. As a young child and teenager I'm sure I didn't realize that she was because she did her "job" right. She knew when I was younger that she couldn't overtly be my BFF - that being a Mom was more important to developing a strong, independent and moral human being. That it was important to know who the "boss" is and to always think twice before doing things - in other words - making sure that my actions didn't disappoint her or my Dad and that I respected myself too. The friendship part materialized over time as I became an adult, after she had taught me how to be the best person I can be.
I remember as a child always being attached to my poor Mom - I think I followed her around like a lost puppy and talked her ears off. I was a premie by two months and required a lot of extra attention. Not because I was ill, but because I was so "needy". I loved the warmth of my Mom's embrace and enjoyed every second I had being snuggled by her. There were nights that my Mom stayed up all night holding me because every time she went to put me down I would wake in a horrible startle. I had this horrible fear (and still do) of spiders. I woke up in the middle of the night, laying in my floral sheets thinking spiders were crawling all over the place, my Mom sat with me all night long holding me in a brightly lit room so that I could fall asleep. Every time I woke up I apparently saw the flowers on her night-coat and I thought they were spiders too. So she had to leave the light on so that when I did wake up, I'd only see the flowers.
As a teenager, my Mom and I didn't always get along. I knew that I loved her very much but we butted-heads a lot. I wasn't a rebellious teenager, I was just a normal teenage girl trying to figure things out. Unfortunately, at the same time, my Mom was having some physical pain with her neck and wrist. I know this pain had a lot to do with how my Mom was back then, but I was too young and stupid to understand. So I think we struggled a lot with these things. She never stopped loving me and I learned to respect my Mom more. I think its sort of a right of passage that Moms and Daughters go through during the stormy teenage years.
I knew why Mom's are so important - I learned, when I was a victim of a crime in college, how important it was to have my Mom (and Dad too). I hit a really low point in my life and they were there not only to comfort me, but help me put myself back together. Without them, I'm not so sure I would have made it through some of those pretty dreadful days.
I lived at home until I was just shy of 30. My parents were of the opinion that I needed to save as much money as possible to be able to move out on my own. My first job out of college, I was pretty much riding the line just above "poverty". Like today, the employment outlook was not good when I graduated from college. I took a low paying job just to get my foot in the door with a company. It took me a good year or two to actually get my own car, and I had to lease because I couldn't afford to purchase one. When I lived at home with my parents, my Mom wouldn't let me do much of the "household" chores. She would feed me dinners and wash, iron and fold my clothing. My parents wouldn't accept a dime from me. I did the best I could with helping around the house, but I know I could never do enough to say "thanks for giving me a home". It always bothered me that it appeared I was "sponging" but every time I would discuss leaving, my parents would say "what's your hurry?". It dawned on me as I write this, that I was their youngest child and I think they weren't ready to give up being "parents". Me leaving the nest, meant that they were in a new stage of parenting.
This stage in my life post college and before moving out on my own was when I really learned how important a person my Mom is to me. Without getting too personal, there was a very important thing about my Mom that I had major concerns about. I would relentlessly hammer at her about this. One day, I went too far and I broke her. I hurt her so badly with what I had said to her, that she sobbed like I've never ever seen a person sob in my life. I said these things, not to be mean but because I was worried about her and scared that if she kept on this path I'd lose her to a horrible illness. I said these things because I love her so much. I learned that evening that my Mom was my best friend. My Mom was sobbing into my Dad's arms and I was outside her bedroom listening to her sob and telling my Dad - "I thought she was my best friend". At the age of 26, I had no idea that she was my "best female friend" - she was always my Mom, I didn't realize that she considered me a "friend". I cried and cried that night. My Mom was so hurt by my words that it took days for her to forgive me. The day she forgave me, I vowed I'd never do or say anything to hurt her feelings again. I never want to make her cry like that again.
My Mom has been there for me - every successful step I've taken and when I fall, she's always there to give me a hand to get back up on my feet again. Trust me, there has been some rough days - and its comforting to have a Mom to kiss the boo-boos - no matter how big or small they are.
My Mom (and Dad too) are my moral compass. I live my life always thinking, would my parents be proud of me. That's one of the reasons why it took me so long to get married. I wanted them to be proud of the choice I made. It warms my heart when my Mom gives my husband a hug when she knows he really needs one. It means so much to me that she has accepted my husband as one of her own. My Mom is pretty accepting of everyone, but I know that she loves, cares for and respects my husband.
My Mom isn't a "spring" chicken - although for her upper 70s she looks fabulous to me. She continues to be a "Mom" to me (and my siblings) and enjoys being a Grandma to her grandkids. I'm fortunate to have her live within 5 minute walking distance, so my kids get to see her often and really get to know her. Its one of their favorite things to do, go to Grandma's house!
I now have kids of my own. Two wonderful, sweet, intelligent and loving children. Children that I love with my whole heart and soul - I would be lost without them. They complete me, they make me a "Mom". There was one day that I didn't think I'd be so lucky to be a Mom. I lost my first baby at 12 weeks and I was fast approaching the age of 40. The clock was a ticking as they say. My daughter was the best gift I have ever received, so I thought at the time, then her little brother came along and I was doubly blessed with the second half of my best gift ever.
As I write this blog, I realize how the old saying what goes around comes around is so true. So all the tormenting nights my Mom had with me as a baby and young child, keeping her up all night - I'm getting that twice over. The difference is my Mom never made me feel like I was a burden or pain in the butt - I feel that I need to be more patient in this area. I love my sleep and when I don't get it, I'm not a nice Mom. I'm sure there were days that my Mom felt the same way, but I never knew it. I'm not so sure I can honestly say I've hidden my frustrations and have been the best Mom I can be. I do my best to try and emulate my Mom and be the awesome Mom to my kids as she is to me, but I'm definitely a work in progress!
Yesterday, when I was leaving my parent's home, I hugged my Mom really tight and said "Thank you for being such an awesome Mom." She says to me "I'm not awesome". I said, "Oh Mom, you are truly awesome and I am one of the luckiest persons to be able to say at the age of 44 that I still have my Mom. I relish every day with you and every day I have with you is a blessing from above!"
Its an awesome feeling to be a Mom and have children to love, but its just as nice if not better to be loved by your own Mom!
Happy Mom's Day - MOM!
I love you!
Colleen
No comments:
Post a Comment